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Joke of the Month: "The Divorce"
There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie's lamp.
The genie came out and said," Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double."
The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said,

"Genie, I want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn't make him happy but, he made his second wish.

"Genie,I want 2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn't very happy. The genie says,"You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy says," Yeah,yeah.I know." So the guy thinks real hard and says:

"I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!"
"The Magician on the Titanic"
On the Titanic, the entertainment was a magician.

Each night a parrot in the audience would yell out the secret of every trick. ''It's in his sleeve.'' ''He used mirrors.''

After the ship went down, the magician and the parrot were in the same lifeboat.

The parrot looked quizzically at the magician and said, ''I give up, what did you do with the boat?''
How many members of your sign does it take to change a lightbulb?
ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done-they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

LEO: Leo's don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

VIRGO: Approximately 1.00000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No-on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burnt-out light bulb?

CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

PISCES: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
"Two Fishermen"
Two men are out fishing on a lake in Maine. One of the men reels in Genies Lamp, rubs it and a Genie appears. "I will grant you one wish oh great fisherman."The fisherman, looking at their empty cooler of beer, wishes that the lake was full of beer. The Genie grants his great wish. The other fisherman looks at his friend and says, "You big idiot, now we have to piss in the boat!"
"Adam's Mistake"
After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help. He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you." Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?" The answer came back, "An arm and a leg." "Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
"The Hunter"
A hunter stopped into a bar for a beer at the end of his day.
"So you're a hunter," observed the bar maid. "Doesn't it depress you to kill beautiful and innocent animals who could never hurt anyone?"
"Not at all" said the hunter. "We hunters only kill the sick animals. The environment is better off because we kill animals that should be taken out of the wild. We provide a valuable service."
The bar maid looked out onto the hunter's Land Rover and saw the now lifeless big brown eyes of the slain beautiful deer. "You shot Bambi!" she exclaimed. "How could you kill Bambi?" "No ma'am" defended the hunter. "I didn't kill Bambi. That is Bambi's sick and dangerous brother Spike. I spotted him with an elevated white blood cell count indicating a rare but deadly bone disease."
Lawyers
What do you call 20 lawyers up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement.

What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
-God doesn't think he's an attorney.

Did you hear about the lawyer who named his daughter Sue?

Morons
A big moron and a little moron were sitting on a fence. The big one fell off, how come the little one didn't?
Because he was a little more on.

Why did the little moron bring a ladder to a party?
Because he thought the drinks were on the house.

Why did the moron jump out of the tenth story window?
He thought he had on a spring coat.

Why did the moron tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

How come the moron returned the necktie?
Because it was too tight.

Heard about the moron who snorted Sweet'n Low?
He thought it was Diet Coke.

Why did the moron have no luck raising chickens?
He planted the eggs too deep.
Blondes
It seems this blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horse back riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.

Julie, the blonde, just got out of the tanning salon. She was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handywoman. Well, the first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for "ya". How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks alright?" Julie asked. "Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Q.How do you confuse a blond?
A.You don't, they're born that way.

Q: How do you confuse a blond?
A: Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.

Q. why was the dumb blond stare at a carton of orange juice?
A. because it said concentrate.

One day a blonde was sitting out in a rowboat in the middle of a cornfield. Another blonde drove by ans stopped. She hollered ot to the blonde in the rowboat " You're the reason we blondes have a bad name. If I knew how to swim I'd go out there and hit you"
Bar Puns
So this horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face."

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west. He goes up to the bar and anounces: I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw."

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, " I'm sorry, we don't serve mushrooms here." To which the mushroom replies, " Why not, I'm a funguy."

This guy walks into a bar with a 10ft. tall giraffe. Despite the strange stares from the other bar occupants, they proceed to drink themselves silly. After about a dozen drinks, the giraffe stands up and then keels over. At this his companion stands up as well, settles his bar tab and starts to walk out of the bar. The bartender suddenly shouts, "Hey idiot, you can't leave that lyin' here!" But the man replies, You're the idiot, that's a giraffe not a lion!!"

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

A guy walks into a bar and says ouch!

A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?"
bartender says no.
Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?"
bar tender says no. Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?
Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time I'll nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?" bar tender says no. Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"

You know you're a redneck when...

10. Your uncle is your brother in law.

9. Your life long dream is to own a fireworks stand.

8. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

7. You have five cars that are immobile and a car that is.

6. Your dad walks you to school because he's in the same grade as you.

5. You have more than two brothers named Bubba and Junior.

4. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

3. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

2. You go to family reunions to pick up girls.

1. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
"A week in hell"
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon.
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay...you're already dead.
Guy: Golly!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh (he says, with a smile), you're gonna hate Fridays.
"Things you don't want to hear during surgery"
"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop"
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
"Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!"
"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie"
"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
"Damn, there go the lights again..."
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em."
"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"
"Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off"
"What's this doing here?"
"I hate it when they're missing stuff in here."
"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!"
"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."
"Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."
"Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?"
"What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!"
"Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"
"And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape."
"OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature."
"This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?"
"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"
"Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough."
"What do you mean "You want a divorce"!"
"She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!"
"Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"
"FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!"
"Panda"
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda :

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
"Cats"
A cat and her four kittens came face to face with a large dog. While the kittens cowered, the cat let out a series of loud barks, scaring the big dog away.

Turning to her kittens, the momma cat said, "See how important it is to know a second language"?
"The Guillotine"
In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go.

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem......"
"Three Irish Brothers"
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking.
"A day in heaven"
A sweet 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, perishes in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their own new mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that their home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch laid out with the cuisines of the world. "How much will it cost to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
"Psychiatric Hotline"
"Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional..."
"Three Prison Escapees"
Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confonted by a policeman.
"Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the policeman.
Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said
"No, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer."
The second followed his lead and said
"My names is William, W H Smith". The third said
"My name is Ken.....Tucky Fried Chicken"
"Jewish vs Chinese"
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a chinese man and punches him in the face.
"Owch!" the chinese man says. "What was that for?"
"That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says.
"But I'm Chinese!"
"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"
And the jewish man sits back down. Then, the chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.
"Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?"
"That was for the Titanic," the chinese man says.
"But that was an iceberg!"
"Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
"How to order soup"
A man sits down at a resturant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter
"I think I will have the turtle soup".
The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter
"Hold the turtle, make it pea"
Headlines
Hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail?
Yeah the headlines in the newspaper read "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE".
Lightbulbs
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: One. But the lightbulbhas got to want to be changed.

How many gays does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: Ten. One who changes it and the rest going "Wooow!"...

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: None. Microsoft announces darkness as the new standard.

How many Windows support staff does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: "Well, we have an exact copy of your bulb here, and it works fine. Did you check your CONFIG.SYS?"
Short Jokes
The sign read "eight items or less", so I changed my name to Les.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. When ever we walked under abridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I relaxed in front of the fire for the evening in ten minutes.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They have little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran in circles.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. but leave a message and I'll call you back when I'm out."

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was O.K.

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9...

What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windsheild?... His ass!

Did you hear about the new chinese cookbook? 101 ways to WOK your dog!

What does it mean when the flag's at half mast at the Post Office?
They're hiring.

A lady goes into the dentist office for a routine check-up when the dentist tells her that she needs a root canal. The lady then exclaims, " Oh my god, I'd rather have a baby!!" To which the dentist replies, " Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair!"

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Did you here about the cannibal that passed a friend in the woods.

Did you here about the cannibals that were playing cards in the jungle, and one of them passed up a perfectly good hand?

Did you here about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meatgrinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

Don't trust abductees, they get carried away sometimes.

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

Q.How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?
A.Wave at him.

Q. How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Who knows they ever get the house.

Q. How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. 4..... 1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.

Two goldfish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says,
"Can you drive this thing?"

How can you tell the difference between a blackbear and grizzly in the woods?
First, you kick it in the ass and climb up a tree. If the bear climbs the tree and kills you it's a blackbear, if it just knocks the tree over to get you, it's a grizzly
Things that make you go "hmmm...."
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Do you need a silencer if you're going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work in the morning?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed would milk come out of its nose?
If nothing sticks to TEFLON, how do they get TEFLON to stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why don't they make planes out of the same substance they make those indestructible little black boxes out of?
Why is it that when you're driving in your car looking for a particular address, you turn the radio down?
If you pull the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk?
If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the oposite of PROGRESS?

 

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